This Infernal Racket | my life, after cancer

A Toronto-based lifestyle blog by a 2x cancer survivor

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Welcome 2022

Hi friends, it's me! In case you forgot, hey, I'm Kayla; a 20-something cancer survivor living her life after cancer. It has been a hot minute since I posted on my blog, but I am back with some new years goals and mindset shifts for myself and my life.

2021 was kind of wild: covid-19, quarantine, was tough. I learned a lot of lessons in 2021 throughout the pandemic that I want to take into 2022 for myself and to focus on the things that serve me and encourage me. 2022 may still be uncertain for a lot of us in the world, but I am putting energy into the things I can control in my life so that I can stay present and grounded for myself.

Ask once, and if not received then let go.

Something I tend to stress about it if making plans or planning activities. I am very social and outgoing and I love to connect with the people in my life as much as I can. I get a lot of energy from people and I want to know what's going on in their lives. I love sitting with friends or my partner or family and catching up, sharing tea, and having laughs in any setting. I am a planner, and this can give me a lot of anxiety when the people who I am trying to plan with do not seem to reciprocate the same excitement that I do - that is a me problem, and I know I get down in the dumps when plans change or fall through. It affects me more than I like to admit and I often feel let down and unwanted. This is not me blaming people for changing or missing plans, this is me voicing that I am directly affected by those actions.

Something I have decided to implement this year, to protect my feelings, is to ask once and if not received to let go. I will always want to plan events or activities or hangouts with people, it is just who I am. My goal is to not stress about re-planning or following up with people. I will ask and plan something and if it falls through I will leave it up to others to rectify. I need to learn to leave the ball in other people's courts and not get anxious or hurt over trying to rectify an activity. The way I see it is if someone wants to see me or spend time with me, they will make an effort to find a new time of day that works for them...or at least this is what I hope.

Tell people how I feel in the moment.

All my life I have not told people how I felt in the moment. I let negative feelings fester and grow inside me until I either explode on someone or I use it as ammunition in a later confrontation. I do not want to be that person anymore. If I get butt-hurt in a conversation with someone, I want to tell them at the moment. Sometimes words are misused or communicated poorly. If we don't bring attention to it at that moment, and instead bring it up later, it could become a larger issue, or the person in question may not even remember what they were trying to tell you! So, if I do not like something that is said to me, I will call it out and not hold onto it for weeks on weeks. Bad mojo.

Stop making excuses for other people & myself.

I am SO guilty for this. I make excuses for people in my life because I am always trying to see the best in them and give them the benefit of the doubt, but honestly, we are all adults and we are all flawed (me too!) and it's not okay to keep covering for fucks ups. Call yourself out if you fuck up, don't cover it up or twist it into an excuse. Be honest with yourself on your flaws and work on them. And do not make excuses for people who are messing up. Call them out too. Yes be respectful and have a conversation but don't just laugh it off.

My feelings are valid.

My feelings are valid. I do not need to alter my feelings to meet other people's needs. I am allowed to go through my emotions and process them. I am allowed to speak my truth. I will surround myself with people who respect my feelings and who respect me.

I am worthy of love.

Pretty self-explanatory. I deserve to be happy and to be loved and I will not allow myself to think that I do not deserve that happiness anymore. I deserve to be loved by others and myself and deserve to be treated with respect. I am not perfect, I am very flawed and still damaged, but I deserve happiness as much as we all do. I need to remind myself every day that I deserve that and I am worthy of love and abundance.

Don't be a nag.

I AM SO GUILTY FOR THIS and I want to be better. I know I nag people and it's because I see so much potential in them. I need to remember that people need to figure shit out for themselves and take their paths in life. Even if I think they are too slow or making a mistake, I need to learn to step back and not take their choices as personal stress. I need to CHILL and let people be people and not try to control things in the way that I think is right. My right way is not everyone else's the right way.

Develop a routine.

I have discovered that I am the most productive version of myself when I stick to a routine. There are a lot of moving parts in my life and it is really hard to balance them all and give time to them all equally. A lot of people have told me I have too much going on and I should slow down. I need to learn to take things off my plate and create a holistic schedule for myself that is sustainable. I want to balance my life and time with my partner, family friends as well as work and personal life, which requires a schedule that is organized but not rigid. Be open to change and movement and have moments of spontaneity.

That is all, for now, friends, thanks for listening as always, and happy new year. I hope it is filled with laughter and love and happiness.


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