This Infernal Racket | my life, after cancer

A Toronto-based lifestyle blog by a 2x cancer survivor

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The Good & The Bad

Some days are good, some days not so much.

Lately, I've actually been feeling really good about how things are going and looking forward to future opportunities, but today things came crashing down. I don't necessarily love writing about negative things in a negative light, but I also value being honest with myself, and to the people who read this blog.

If you've been here before, I am sure you have read my Survivors Guilt post. That concept was tough for me to put into words, but I'm glad I was able to do it because today is a day where that guilt is hitting pretty hard.

I'm trying to get out and do more things, start up a mindful routine - anything to lessen my anxiety, but today things just crashed down. Why did my life have to change so much? Why did I get stuck with this pile of shit to deal with? Why is it taking me so long to get back on my feet and back into society? Will I ever find a job and be able to handle it on top of my own anxiety and stress? Will I ever meet my significant other? Will anyone want to be with the "cancer girl" with her pile of baggage stuck at customs? These questions literally keep me awake at night as I struggle to piece together this new life I am building for myself.

Everyone has had struggles, and now more than ever I respect the magnitude of people's unique circumstances. I beat this horrible disease...but did I really beat it when I think about it every day? Even with all this negative anxiety whispering at the back of my mind, just out of sight, I try and find the light in every single day, no matter how small it is. I believe in a mind + body connection and the strength of insightful thinking, even though I fail at it sometimes.

Allowing myself to feel sad is part of that connection. If I ignore or disregard how I feel, things just get worse. I truly believe that anything is possible and I do try and defy the odds..however big or small they may seem. Last month it was finishing grad school, this month it's being able to keep a consistent routine to help my physical body heal.

So, what would my pre-cancer self say to my post-cancer self?

No matter how much shit life has dropped on you, you can and you will persevere through it; believe that you can achieve whatever you want and allow yourself a moment to feel. 


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