It's so hard to let myself feel my feelings. Detaching and avoiding emotions is easy. It's less painful in the moment. It's also cowardly. I didn't allow myself to feel anything for years. I did not know how to feel anything except hate. I isolated myself from being happy because I thought I did not deserve it. I still think, in my dark moments, that I deserve to be unhappy. It comes from my insecurity that I am never enough for myself and for others. This insecurity was born when I got cancer. It grew. I kept feeding it.
Someone recently said to me, "It's sad that you came so close to dying with your cancer, only to throw your life away and still have no self-respect or dignity. You should get a new therapist because clearly you are not any better and will end up alone."
That comment (from people who are no longer part of my life) has been on my mind for the last week. Not because I believed it, but because somebody didn't like how I was taking charge by standing up for myself and speaking/living my truth. I was at the point where I was doing what I needed to create safety and set boundaries. These people decided they didn't like it. They wanted me to know that I was worthless. Because I didn't pick them, I picked myself.
It's funny when you finally stand up to someone and stop letting them walk all over you and how their narrative about you changes.
Even though I do not believe those words about myself, when I am in a vulnerable state, the cruelty from them comes back to mind fuck me. I know I am strong. I know I am kind. The problem right now is that I am not strong, I am very sad and confused.
I am trying to take back control – bring the power back to myself – by acknowledging these emotional responses I'm having and working through them instead of burying them. Like I previously did.
Living by the phrase, "it's okay to not be okay" is hard. Dealing with trauma, guilt, loneliness, and heartbreak are some of the worst feelings in the world.
When I was diagnosed with blood cancer I don't think I ever shed a single tear for myself. During my years of treatment, the only times I can remember crying is when I had a fever and infection. My mom and I drove downtown at 3am to the hospital. I was admitted to urgent care and I BEGGED her to stay with me.
MY POINT IS, I think the fact that I'm able to cry means I'm allowing myself to really feel a lot of stuff I tried not to. Feeling means I am human. Feeling means I'm alive.
I am inexplicably sad. There's probably a little sprinkle of survivor's guilt mixed into all that. I'm giving my feelings space. I know that time does help heal. Healing comes from within. The little things in life help. I am trying to focus on them. And I will be okay :)
My name is Anna, and I’d like to share my journey of battling oral and genital herpes. For four long years, I found myself caught in a relentless cycle of discomfort, anxiety, and stigma. Despite trying various medications, I felt like I was losing the battle. The frequent outbreaks impacted not only my physical well-being but also my emotional health and social interactions. I often felt hopeless, believing that I was destined to live with this condition forever.
ReplyDeleteDuring this difficult period, I exhausted numerous treatment options, from antiviral medications to topical ointments. While some provided temporary relief, none offered a permanent solution. Each time I experienced an outbreak, I felt overwhelmed by anxiety, constantly worrying about how it affected my life and my relationships. I often felt the weight of stigma associated with herpes, which left me feeling isolated and misunderstood.
It was during this period of struggle that I came across information about Dr. Utu’s herbal remedy online. Initially skeptical, I decided to reach out to him via email at drutuherbalcure@gmail.com. To my surprise, Dr. Utu responded quickly and with genuine compassion. He provided reassurance and took the time to understand my situation. After discussing my symptoms and medical history, he tailored a personalized herbal remedy for me. His approach was holistic, and felt comforting compared to the clinical nature of conventional treatments I had been receiving.
I committed myself to following his instructions diligently, incorporating the herbal remedy into my daily routine as advised. Throughout the treatment, I felt hopeful for the first time in years. Dr. Utu remained supportive, checking in on my progress and encouraging me to share any changes I observed.
Upon completing the treatment course, I felt an overwhelming mixture of anticipation and anxiety as I prepared for my medical tests. My heart raced as I awaited the results, unsure of what to expect. To my astonishment, the first test confirmed I was herpes-free! In disbelief, I scheduled a second test to confirm those results, and once again, it came back negative.
The moment I received those results was life-changing. I realized that I had finally overcome the stigma and suffering that had consumed my life for so long. I felt a profound sense of relief and liberation; finally, I could envision a brighter future without the shadow of herpes looming over me. My overall quality of life has significantly improved since that day. I can freely engage in social activities, enjoy relationships without fear, and experience life without the constant anxiety of outbreaks.
Dr. Utu’s herbal remedy not only offered physical healing but also restored my confidence and peace of mind. I am incredibly grateful for his support and expertise, which truly made a significant difference in my life. For anyone out there struggling with herpes or any similar condition, I strongly encourage you to consider reaching out to Dr. Utu. His herbal remedies are not just effective; they represent hope and healing. Your journey may feel daunting, but know that there are options available. You don’t have to suffer in silence.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I hope my experience offers encouragement to those facing similar battles. You are not alone, and there is hope for a happier and healthier life ahead.